Life is worth living again!

There’s a made-up court in the back of my mind that I religiously turn to whenever I find myself falling into a depression dip, which are usually out of confusion and uncertainty. It’s where I argue with myself — I play the parts of the defense lawyer, prosecutor, and judge all at the same time — about my own feelings and defend their validity.

This place has helped me become a reasonable and understanding person in difficult situations with others, as well as help me figure out the root cause of my overwhelming desolation. I’ve been going more often this past month, regarding the question of when it’s rational to worry over relationships with others that I’ve worked hard to build up.

One thing about me is that I’ve often found myself unbothered by unrequited friendship. There are several relationships in my life that are alive solely because of me; I know that if I ever chose to stop reaching out to these certain people, the relationship would’ve died a long time ago. Although I know that this awkward occurrence often bothers other people and lead them to cut the relationship off completely, it’s never seriously bothered me that much. Or so I thought (Haha).

Before I get to explaining that gotcha moment, I’d like to defend my reasoning for why I didn’t think it ever bothered me:

For most of my life, I’ve always kept all of my relationships surface level. I purposefully never shared any strong parts of my personality and identity with anyone I knew — my taste in fashion, music obsession, favorite shows, and my love for photography are some examples of things that I never bothered to share with anyone I knew. I treated all my friendships and relationships with others merely as sources of fun love and nothing more. No one ever knew about my most depressed and anxious moments, and I made sure of that.

Because I never gave up parts of myself to others I loved, it was never possible for me to be disappointed in anyone who has ever let go of or had forgotten about our friendship. If they left me it was perfectly okay because they couldn’t take any of me with them.

I always felt like I was able to love people better this way: without expectations for others that I love. This mindset has helped me be able to gift things to people without worrying about if I’ll ever receive anything back. I can tell people I love them without caring about their response. I’d do anything for my friends and listen to them tell me everything without wondering if they’d do the same for me.

If people don’t want to accept what I have to offer, I never leave disappointed. I have friends that I still check up on from time to time because I love them, knowing that we would never talk without my initiation. I know many find this concept confusingly sad, but it’s something that’s saved me from several depression dips throughout my life.

Showing love the way I want to has never been easier!

However, it turns out that I am not as indestructible as I thought I was.

Although I often forget that I have feelings and desires, it’s becoming more apparent to me that I am a simple human who will always yearn to be loved and understood. Consequently, I will give into any friendship or relationship that offers opportunities of vulnerability and harmony.

This year has been extremely challenging for me in that I’ve tried giving new people in my life a lot of me, and that’s something that’s often freaked me out. Having people in my life that seriously know me now — because I’ve allowed them to — has been an amazing experience, but also an anxiety inducing one.

I don’t think I’ve ever feared for my friendships more in my life. I know that if they ever fall (maybe due to inevitable circumstances like distance and time), that those people will leave with parts of me. I cannot handle or fathom the thought of that because it’s never something I’ve had to deal with before.

Tying it back to expectations, I now expect and pray that these people don’t leave. I’ve taken the chance of exchanging my interests and personal stories with these people for their time, strong friendship, and unconditional love. If my expectations aren’t met, I know that it will hurt.

It is hard to practice detachment with these types of fulfilling bonds.

Now, the question is: If I’m afraid of being hurt and it’s something that churns my mind more often than not, do I start restricting myself with these certain relationships?

Or do I let myself love strongly and hope they’ll do the same with me?

I dunno, that is the recurring question of my world. All of the little lawyers and judges fighting the imaginary court in the back of my head have been dealing with this case for a long while. Hopefully they come to a conclusion sometime soon.