Same Problem, Different Painting.

I’m in desperate need of new sights and new minds. Ever since school has ended, I’ve been spending so much time alone and I’m suffering from severe boredom. The only people I see are my parents, siblings, and a friend every once in a while. Although I love all of these people dearly, the lack of stimulating conversations and experiences in my life has made me prefer being alone; When I’m alone, I’m free to create my own environment by chasing any interests that aimlessly come to mind.

If I could turn my dreams into my reality, I’d currently be in a room packed with nerds. I need nerds with super niche interests that are willing to talk about them for hours. I would love to have stupid debates with them and make smart ass jokes. I want to dance to the most unserious music and bow down to the beats with them. They’d beat me at stupid games and stand pridefully for it. I’d eat parts of their cool findings and make them part of me.

Along with being knowledgeable people, they’d also have a strong sense of playfulness and curiosity; I’m sure that’s apparent from what’s been previously described. Many say that good humor is intelligence having fun, and this is something that I cherish in many of the relationships I have with others. I think a lot about my future soulmate, and authentic – and kind – type of wit is something that I’d need for them to have.

However, as much as I like to dream, I don’t think I’m in the right place in my life to be nitpicky about the people I choose to talk to. I’ve spent countless hours on myself to develop a kind understanding of the others in this world, but more often than not I feel disappointed with my relations. The disappointment has even trickled into my own sense of self; I don’t think I have the right to be nitpicky because I don’t think I’m deserving of that right.

Not to downplay anyone I know, because everyone in my life is wonderful, but I can’t help wanting more. I want to laugh more, see more, talk more, know more, and feel more. I feel like my passion isn’t being taken advantage of, and it frustrates me. I’ve been calling myself selfish for feeling like this. I try and force myself to be content with what I’ve been blessed with. However, mental illness is hard to control.

I’m trying though.