After all my extremely important personal hygiene steps are complete, I put my earbuds in and put on some music. Today I gave King Krule the honor of being the first person to sing and speak to me. I sang along with him while I ran into the kitchen to cook myself some breakfast. I sang along while darting to the kitchen to cook breakfast: three eggs wrapped in a tortilla with feta cheese and a cup of coffee on the side. At some point, Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Bladee started blasting and moved my body around the kitchen in the happiest way.

After my morning was over, I biked to the nearest gas station and bought two of the latest StarTribune issues. Once they were secured, I rode to my parents’ workplace and dropped it off. I stuck to them till their shifts ended, and then I chose to join them on any errands they had to run before heading home.

Although my mornings sound awesome and fun, because they are, I’ve also been annoyed at how early I’ve been waking up. With nothing to look forward to, I wish I could sleep for two-thirds of the day just to fast-forward through the *LIFELESS* hours.

However, I can’t escape this life no matter how hard I try, especially sober.

Yesterday, I woke up at 7 a.m. on purpose to help my mom at work, hit the gym after, and then biked for almost three hours. I tried to bike really fast with the motive of tiring myself out. If you saw me out there you probably would’ve thought I was trying to flee the devil himself. All I wanted was to go to bed extremely early – I didn’t want to be stuck with myself last night. My plan didn’t work though; I still ended up staring at the ceiling until 2 a.m.

There’s nothing worse to me in this world than being bored. Some people might say that if you’re bored when you’re alone it’s probably because you seriously are a boring person. However, I don’t think that I’m a boring person. I haven’t told my days in detail, but I am doing something all the time to entertain myself. It’s not that I’m boring, it’s that I feel as if I’ve lost meaning.

Ever since I’ve drifted away from God and lost love for myself, people and work have been the things that keep me alive. Islam could say that I’ve turned to this دُنْيا (world) for meaning instead of دين (religion). I may be in a misunderstanding with my needs though; The reality that I’m experiencing at the moment in relation with this world has sucked more life out of me than what it’s given me. Although I’ve only been work-less for about three weeks, it feels as if it’s been almost three years. I’m looking forward to nothing less than this transition I’m going to have to endure.

Meaning is something that I long for and something that I need at the moment, but I don’t know how to fill this genuinely empty feeling besides trying to be patient and letting time pass by.